So its been a year... Lengthy

It appears we took nearly a year long sabbatical from blogging. It wasn't planned, it just happened. Life got crazy and the truth is, I did not have the emotional energy to blog.

The thought of returning and having to explain where I have been personally and where we have been as a family has been incredibly intimidating to me. I guess it became one of those things that I put off and put off until it felt unapproachable. So here I am and trying again. Please hang tight, its a long post. Also, please note that I switch often on between "I" and "We"-- this is intentional. Our family is in this post, though written primarily from my perspective. This piece was a sort of joint effort.

As Ben and I approach our our 5th year as a couple, living together as a family for 4 years, and today celebrating our 2nd marriage anniversary, I've been reflecting a lot on our family. We've grown together a great deal and I'm proud of the place we've come to. We've experienced grief, loss, pain, joy, peace, happiness, and so much more. Still we both know that we have a long road to travel. We're not ashamed of our struggles but proud of our triumphs.

I have tried my best to capture where our family has been the last year (maybe not moment-by-moment) and where we are headed. We hope this post will help reconnect us with all of you.

The most difficult to discuss issue for me is the one that drew me away from the blog in the first place. Early last August, we were surprised with a very unexpected, positive pregnancy test. Ben and I shared our blissful secret and could not help but revel in the excitement. This was a very much wanted addition to the family. Already we imagined buying a crib, clothes, and all the fun things that come with a baby.

Still as quickly as the joy arrived, fear came sweeping in. The next few weeks became a blur, one that even now is difficult to separate the timing of certain details. We still don't have the 'why' and maybe never will. I remember driving to a doctor, crying my eyes out and praying for the baby to hold on despite the pain I was feeling in my womb and heart. I knew something was terribly wrong, and there was nothing I could do. I can't remember if there were two or three trips to the emergency room, but I do remember the doctor telling Ben, "I think its time you start preparing your wife for the loss..." But I wasn't ready.

August 28th, 2011 Hurricane Irene hit the East Coast... I wasn't afraid of the storm, the wind, or the rain. I was only afraid of the pain I felt physically and emotionally. Ben was at my side the entire time and Z played in his room, mostly unaware of anything but the fact I wasn't feeling well.

We lost the baby that day. The next week I was sent for an Ultrasound to confirm miscarriage. The test was positive, the pain was definitive- but there was more bad news.

Despite the odds being highly improbable, I had been carrying a dual pregnancy. One baby miscarried, and the other had implanted in my left fallopian tube. This was the first time I understood what an ectopic pregnancy was, moreover, what it meant. The tube was ruptured, the fetus was no longer living, and the doctors called for emergency surgery. My left tube had to be removed, cutting future chances of pregnancy in half.

There is nothing like the pain I felt then. That pain still is with our family now, though it isn't as intense, it is always there. It shook our world and life. We had to determine how to explain all of this to Z, and then watch him grieve. That was not an easy decision but one we felt was important at his age.

Then for a long while, I felt like a shell of a person. Seeing mothers made me cry, parenting Z made me ache, and even when I slept, I dreamt of the little ones we lost.

Life didn't stop for us- not even for a moment. With an 8 year old, we had to keep going, keep parenting, keep loving, and yet learn to be ok being broken at the same time.

And the experience, as horrific as it was, drew Ben and I closer together. The loss of our babies that we wanted so badly gave us a deeper understanding of the blessings we have today. While I don't agree that death and pain is necessary to 'learn a lesson' or that 'it happened for a reason', I do believe its possible to find a lesson in every circumstance.

Its been nearly a year and I can hardly believe I am writing about all of this... in public. It feels good, though. And we kept going, although we never moved on. April 15th, (the expected due date) was a terrible day, Mother's Day (consequently the exact would-be-1 month birthday) was very difficult. Still everyday gets further away from the initial wound.  And we keep going...

Z has become this amazing, funny, and strong-willed nine year old. Since last posting, he has grown to be quite the helpful and compassionate young man. Everyday, I love watching him grow. Its a humbling experience, raising a young man, but so incredibly rewarding. I cannot imagine being more proud of him. Granted, he's not perfect either. He can be frustrating, clingy, snotty, and crude- everything you would expect from a nine year old boy. Still, he's responsive and has a clear understanding of right and wrong and is quick to make amends.

Our family is both beautiful and complicated. Being a Stepfamily is nothing like being in a 'nuclear' family. I'm not sure how to stress that enough. Not only do Ben and I have very different backgrounds and parenting styles; but the boys (Ben and Z) came with ready made traditions, habits, and routines. Some of them I agree with and some, not so much. We've had to work really hard to compromise and make decisions regarding how we see our family... some of it looks nothing like their original family and somethings haven't changed that much. It hasn't been perfect but its real and there's a whole lot of love between the three of us.


We've had to make traditions of our own and recognize that things a nuclear family enjoys day-to-day is not our reality. It has been difficult to spend some holidays as a segmented family... some years, not having Z on Christmas day has been a heart breaking experience in our home. We now celebrate as a family on Christmas Eve. I had never celebrated on Christmas Eve, but we have come to love the intimate celebration and time together. 

Another very noteworthy event that occurred in the last year was Ben's beginning and completion of the Masters of Arts and Teaching Program at Notre Dame of Maryland University. In ten months and with countless hours of studying, planning, researching, testing, and more planning; he completed both the necessary course work and internships to earn his Master's degree in Elementary Education and Special Education. As his wife and friend, I am extremely proud of his accomplishment as well as our family's ability to adjust and adapt to the changes necessary to support Ben's efforts.

Now as Ben is embarking on one major change, applying for jobs and interviews in this new career, our family is preparing for another massive change.

With a great deal of excitement, anticipation, planning, and fear; we're extremely happy to be expecting a little girl in early November of this year. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant, with only 14 weeks left to go. By the end of this work week, we will officially be in our 3rd trimester. Expecting Chloe has been a trial in itself, learning to trust in God and His plans for our family. Ben has been and continues to be the most amazing support and husband that any woman could ask for. I feel so incredibly blessed.

It's an exciting time for our family. We hope now that with a thorough update, that the following posts will be much lighter (both in quantity and content) and more frequent.


Until then!
MdWeybrights